CG's Slayers Fairy Tales Ali Baba
by Rocky and CG
Summary: This is another one of my friend, CG's, hilarious fairytales. This is her fic that features the most blood, violence and Zel as a belly dancer. Z/A


Mighty Strong Slayers Fairy Tale   
  
C.G.: Ok, Acen and allergies are over. Time for another fairy tale!!!   
  
Xellos: Acen sure was fun. My copies kept the groupies away.   
  
C.G.: Considering most of your copies were girls.   
  
Xellos: Shut up.   
  
C.G.: Anyway podium, where did you go after Acen?  
  
Xellos: I told you.   
  
C.G.: ?   
  
Xellos: I was designing a leash for Amelia to put on Zel.   
  
C.G.: Zel seems to like to wander off a lot, doesn't he?   
  
Xellos: I made the perfect leash! Totally break-proof and waterproof! I like the spikes and the chain attached to a 100lb weight. He wouldn't be going anywhere. You can go to the mall and leave him on a bench.   
  
C.G.: What if he gets out of his leash?  
  
Xellos: There is a .00000000000001% chance of that happening but if it does, I will implant a chip in his brain that will administer a 100,000 volt electric shock.   
  
C.G.: Won't he die?   
  
Xellos: I will have a warranty that if the chimera dies while using my product, I must treat the buyer to many, many lovely hours at Chippendales.    
  
C.G.: ::sweatdrop:: Are we going to start?  
  
Xellos: Yes, the characters that don't belong to you are ready.   
  
C.G.: Once upon a time there was a good-hearted prince that lived in a poor kingdom. But he did whatever it took to make his people happy…  
  
Phil: All this firewood will keep my whole kingdom warm for the week! I wish there was more I can do for the sake of love!   
  
Xellos: I need to go lie down.   
  
C.G.: Philly Baba was going back to his kingdom when he sees 41 thieves coming his way.   
  
Phil: THOSE FIENDS!!! Stealing all the things form my people have left. I WILL SHOW THEM THE NAME OF JUSTICE!!!! I see the leader is as big as me so I cannot take on all 40 at once. I will hide in that tree and watch where they go so I can find their hideout.   
  
Xellos: Can a tree actually support him?   
  
C.G.: So, Prince Phil climbs a tree and watches the 40 thieves stop by a large boulder against the foot of the mountain. The leader of the bandits was real big and real "rugged" with lots of red hair.    
  
Xellos: Don't forget about the stupid orange trenchcoat!   
  
C.G.: The leader stepped forward to the boulder. All goes quiet and he says…  
  
Xellos: OPEN PIXIE STIX!!!!   
  
C.G.: WHAT?!?!? ::sweatdrop::   
  
Xellos: I just want to hear Gaav say that.   
  
C.G.: …  
  
Xellos: Please?  
  
Gaav: OPEN PIXIE STIX!!!  
  
  
  
C.G: The boulder rolls to the side and reveals a secret cave entrance.   
  
Val: Where do you want us to put this stuff?   
  
Gaav: Oh, set it down anywhere. Hurry up! We have a rumble with the gang on the other side of the kingdom tonight!   
  
C.G.: Phil…  
  
Xellos: They didn't notice him yet?   
  
C.G.: The story goes they don't notice him.  
  
Xellos: How can that be? He's as big as a bear.   
  
C.G.: When the bandits finished Gaav the Demon Bandit King yells…  
  
Xellos: CLOSE PANTYHOSE!!!!!  
  
C.G.: ::groan:: Maybe if I ignore you, you'll go away.  
  
Xellos: Not likely.   
  
C.G.: When the bandits leave, Philly Baba gets down and goes over to their hideout.  
  
Phil: THOSE VILLAINS!!! I wonder what is in there. OPEN PIXIE STIX!!!!  
  
Xellos: Well duh…  
  
C.G.: Even so, he has much more brain cells than Ali Baba does, also know as, "The Stupidest Character in Fairy Tales"  
  
Xellos: Snow White came in second.  
  
C.G.: The cave opens and Philly Baba sees that the bandits' hideout is a huge cave with more treasures than he has ever seen in his life.   
  
Phil: I know I can't give all the people their possessions back… ::sigh:: …but I can put it to good use. I will use this treasure to make the kingdom great again and make tons of organizations for the people like a Boy and Girl Scouts and a Homeless Shelter and…  
  
Xellos: I got to go lie down again.  
  
C.G.: So Prince Philly Baba grabbed three full barrels of treasure and left the cave then shut it up. He returned to the castle where he told his family about the cave and his dream to make the world a better and justice-filled place to his family; Amelia Baba, Naga Baba…  
  
Xellos: Say that 5 times fast. NagaBabaNagaBabaNagaBaNa… Oh %$#^!!!!  
  
C.G.: …Chris Baba, Alfred (Ally) Baba, Randy Baba, and the king.  Of course, Philly Baba was very trusting and did not think twice about telling them where the cave was or what the passwords were. The sneaky Randy Baba decides that he would steal all the treasures so that he could become king.   
  
Xellos: Big surprise.   
  
C.G.: So a day later Randy snuck out of the castle with a wagon and traveled to the bandits' cave. He enters and is overwhelmed by the many treasures.  He shut the cave behind him so people passing by would not learn of the cave. He gathered up the treasure into one big pile.   
  
Randy: That should be enough. Ok, err…  
  
C.G.: He forgot the password to open the cave. He was stuck.   
  
Xellos: Dani's "Victim of the Week".   
  
Hallas: YAY!!!!!!  
  
C.G.: The bandits came back and found him there.   
  
Val: HEY, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!?!?!?  
  
Randy: Err… ::sweatdrop::  
  
Gaav: It doesn't matter. I want you to meet my little friend.   
  
Randy: ::SWEATDROP:: That's not little!  
  
Gaav: For a big guy like me, this blade is tiny! I want you to know why they call me "Master of Sushi"!!!!   
  
  
  
Xellos: Drat.   
  
Gaav: This place can use some decorating. The walls are so plain.  
  
C.G.: The bandits then hang Randy Baba's severed body parts on the wall to warn other trespassers of what will happen to them if they are found in their hideout.   
  
Xellos: Cool.   
  
C.G.: Back at the castle, they slowly figured out that Randy went off for the treasure when he didn't comeback the next day.   
  
Phil: Gee, I wonder where Randy is.   
  
C.G.: I must remind you Ali Baba was an idiot. So Prince Philly Baba and his servants go to the cave where they are horrified to see what happened there.   
  
Phil: RANDY ! Oh, why did you let greed into your heart and let evil control you? These bandit fiends must have found you. I swear on all that is good that I will use this treasure to help people in need! AND TO PROMOTE JUSTICE AND PEACE!!!! LOVE AND PEACE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vash: LOVE AND PEACE!!!!!!!! LOVE AND PEACE!!!!!!!! You're like the father I never had!   
  
Phil: YOU'RE LIKE THE SON I NEVER HAD!!!!!   
  
Xellos passes out.   
  
C.G.: So Philly Baba and his servants collect all the treasure and take it back to the castle. From there, Philly Baba uses the money to make a homeless shelter, an orphanage, a soup kitchen, Salvation Army, parks and playgrounds…  
  
Xellos gags and starts twitching.   
  
C.G.: The kingdom prospers and jobs are created. The kingdom is great again. But this story is far from over. You see, the bandits were not happy when they returned to the cave.  
  
Xellos: Damn that Vash! DAMN HIM!!!!!!   
  
C.G.: They could not believe all their treasure was gone.  
  
Gaav: WHO DID THIS?!?!?! I'll kill the person who DARES steal from me!!!!!  
  
Val: Don't worry, dear Lord Gaav. I'll find out who had done this.   
  
C.G.: With that, Val wanders from town to town for information. He learns that it was indeed Prince Philly Baba that had taken their loot.   
  
Val: Oh really? Lord Gaav will be pleased.   
  
C.G.: The bandits devise a plan. So later that day Val, in disguise as a merchant, travels to the castle and tells Philly Baba that he will donate 39 super-duper-sized cans of chicken noodle soup.   
  
Phil: THAT'S WONDERFUL!!!! Such a noble deed to help starving people! GIVE ME A HUG!!!!!  
  
Val: ::sweatdrop:: Well…  
  
  
  
C.G.: But what Philly Baba didn't know is that there was really only one can of soup. The rest had a bandit in them. Their plan was at night when Val gave the signal, the bandits will leap from their cans and raid the castle and kill Prince Phil. But of course, fairy tale characters are stupid so he allows Val to stay the night. Phil wanted to make sure nothing happened to the huge cans so he had his servant Zelgadis watch them for the night.   
  
Xellos: What an honor! Watching cans!      
  
C.G.: Zelgadis was the most loyal of Phil's servants.  
  
Xellos: Unless the word "cure" pops up.  
  
C.G.: Zel has been turned into a chimera by his granddad and had no where else to go. So, Zel grabbed a Newsweek magazine and sat on one of the cans. He read for a while when then he heard a sneeze come from under him.  
  
Zel: Huh?   
  
C.G.: He looks around and sees no one. He realizes it came from inside the can.  
  
Zel:  Hmmm… I knew something was fishy about that merchant.   
  
C.G.: Zel slowly gets off the can…  
  
Xellos:   
  
WHACK  
  
C.G.: …and enters the kitchen. He starts a fire andstarts heating up a big load of…  
  
Xellos:  …nacho-cheese from Dani's work. The stuff can burn a hole through your skin in seconds.  
  
C.G.: That's true. After the cheese starts to boil (just like work), Zel puts on protective gear and takes the cheese outside. From there, he quickly takes off each lid one by one and pours the hot cheese on them until the bandit was dead.   
  
Xellos: Oooo… Sadistic! I like it! I likie!   
  
C.G.: Afterwards he put the lids back on and waited. A little later Val goes into the room and bangs on the cans. Nothing. So he opens a lid and is horrified to see what had happened. Slowly he sees a shadow come up behind him, laughing softly. The next day, the guards found Val dead on the floor with a bag of nacho cheese shoved down his throat.   
  
Phil: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???  
  
Amelia: What a strange way to die.   
  
Zel: He was not a merchant.  He was apart of that bandit gang that killed your brother! I found out yesterday that these weren't cans of soup but hiding places for the bandits so they can kill you!   
  
Amelia: Ewwwww!   
  
Phil: Those villains! If only I could have talked to them and tried to change their evil ways! Oh well…Zelgadis, I owe you my life.   
  
Amelia: Mine too, you are a true hero of justice!  
  
Phil: Because of this, I am giving you a raise and making you head-servant!!!   
  
Zel: Thank you, master! It was only my duty as your servant. *Maybe now I can afford the surgery*  
  
Phil: GIVE ME A HUG!!!!  
  
C.G.: And Zel runs.   
  
Xellos: Run Zel! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!  
  
C.G.: Time passes and everything was back to normal. But the bandit leader still would have his revenge. Gaav then dresses like a priest…  
  
Xellos falls to the floor laughing.  
  
C.G.: …and heads for the castle. Gaav hides his huge sword underneath his robes where then when he and the prince were alone, he will turn Philly Baba into Philly Sushi. Gaav told Philly Baba that he was a priest from a far away temple from a small starving village. Phil ate it all up and invited the "priest" in. While Philly Baba was fooled, Zelgadis was not. He knew that the "priest" was actually the leader of the notorious bandit gang.   
  
Zel: I have to think of a plan to save my master. No one will believe me if I tell them that this priest is actually a bandit.  
  
Xellos: Only in fairy tales.   
  
Zel: I cannot take this bandit leader on myself for he will kick my ass. There must be some way to surprise him. Hmmmm…  
  
C.G.: After some heavy thinking, he thought of something and did some heavy drinking.   
  
Zel: I cants derrank tshoo munch becasss I sneed my motsher ssskkillsh.   
  
C.G.: Then he goes to the nearest brothel.  
  
Xellos: Now we know where he spends his Friday nights at. ::giggle::  
  
Zel: Shuze me, nicsh lady, but do sho have shomshing in my shize?   
  
C.G.: The after the nice lady gives him what he needs and heads home and waits for dinner to be served. While waiting he picks out the biggest dagger he can find.  In the dinning room, Gaav, Philly and Amelia sit at the table waiting for the food to come. Gaav is waiting for the right time to strike when suddenly the dinning room door's fly open. There, Zel was dressed in a skimpy belly-dancer's outfit with a dagger hung on a silver hilt, drunk out of his mind.   
  
Phil: ZELGADIS?!?!?!?   
  
Amelia: Why are you wearing that Mr. Zelgadis?   
  
Zel: I tttthoughttt shou gizs would likth ssshome dinner ethertainmeth.  
  
Amelia: ::sweatdrop:: Mr. Zelgadis, you're drunk!   
  
C.G.: But Zel was already dancing before she even finished her speech. He was dancing extremely well for a drunk.   
  
Xellos: And you wonder why no one wants to star in any of your fics.   
  
C.G.: After several minutes, Zelgadis took the dagger out of the hilt and danced with it like it was a part of the show.  
  
Phil: You know, this is entertaining.   
  
Amelia: Err… yeah. I wonder how he learned to dance like that.   
  
Gaav: ::sweatdrop::  
  
C.G.: Zel danced for about a half an hour then went up to the table looking for "tips".  
  
Xellos: Yeah! Shake that money marker!   
  
Amelia: Come here! I got a dollar!   
  
Phil: AMELIA!!!!!!!   
  
Xellos: Well, she does have a fetish for "hard things".   
  
C.G.: The Zelgadis slowly moved towards a confused Gaav. Before Gaav could do anything, Zel jumped him and stabbed him over and over and over…  
  
Xellos: YEAH! BLOOD!   
  
Phil: ZELGADIS!!!!!!!   
  
Amelia: How could you kill a priest like that?  
  
Zel: Hez not a priest, hez the leader of the bandit gang. See? He came here to kill youwhen you were alone!   
  
Phil: I wish you would let me talk to them before you kill them like that. OH WELL! At least this gang will not terrorize the weak anymore.   
  
Zel: Nope.   
  
Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, you put your life in danger and lost all the dignity you had for yourself for us, I am forever grateful and in your debt.  
  
Zel: It's just my duty.   
  
Phil: That settles it! I will allow you to marry my daughter after you dated for several months and everything works out! GIVE ME A HUG!!!!!  
  
C.G.: And Zel runs again.  
  
Amelia: Daddy! Don't scare away my new boyfriend like that!  
  
Phil: Sorry.  
  
Vash: What about me?  
  
Phil: Yes, I can have two justice heros in the family! You can marry my oldest daughter! You guys have so much in common, like annoying laughs and getting drunk!   
  
C.G.: And they all lived happily ever after.   
  
Xellos: Especially after Amelia bought the SUPER CHIMERA ANTI-ESCAPE LEASH for a mere $29.99!  
  
C.G.: ::groan:: The end. ------------------------------------------------------------- Story based on Ali Baba. Don't sue.   
  
Leash idea based on an Acen incident between me and Esther (one of Xellos' female copies) where her group couldn't find their Zel and I yelled "Tell Amelia to buy a leash for him!" 


End file.
